true joy and faithfulness

become more protective of myself over the years. thought it was my past that haunts me. but it is perhaps more than that. was going to surrender. say i don't want to get hurt anymore. the more i try the more hurt i get. so why try.

but i realize why. i realize what faithfulness is. i can say i've tried. but if i give up, i haven't tried. what did i get myself into?

joy is looking at the past and thanking God. looking at the present and depending on God. looking at the future, with all its uncertainty, knowing that there are many "impossibles", and yet smiling and leaving it all to God.

Lord, you know my heart's desire. give me what you deem best. if it benefits me, give it to me. if it harms me, hold it from me, even if i want it very much. be patient with me as i learn to trust you, whether or not i get what i want.