all my loved ones, friends and family, were standing around me. smiling. warm. loving. then i felt the laughter fade away and i see walls rising. some were so thick and impermeable. some, still in the process of construction. i feel a hammer in my hands. but im tired of hacking at those walls when they build faster than i can tear them down. i sit down, determined to just give up. then i feel the walls closing in.

sometimes i get dreams and i do not want to know what they mean.

why me? why choose me of all shitty people to live in eternity with you? why choose to open my eyes and show me Your Glory? why me? i'm so sinful, so undeserving, so rebellious. yet You chose to send Your Son down. who am i compared to Your Son, who is so obedient and loving? yet You sent Him down to die a horrible death, to pay my ransom, and save me from eternal hell. now i can live with hope and joy. i do not deserve any of these. i did nothing to earn anything. in fact, what i did and who i was deserved to go to hell and burn in eternity. yet You, with all Your love and mercy, and Grace, how sweet the sound, decided to save me. i rejected You, but You never let me go, again and again You reached out and opened my eyes till i can only fall to Your feet and say i love You. i am overwhelmed. i cannot fully understand You and Your ways, but i am thankful for You none the less. all i can do now is to love You with all i am.

funny how we only ask "why me" when we meet bad things, but we never ask "why me" when we get good things in life. is this fair to God?

Heaven is only as far as you want it to be. reach out and receive the gift of eternity. in this gift, you have Heaven, Joy, Peace, Love and all that you have searched all your life for. this gift is Christ.