exams are over. mission trip is over. christmas is coming. retreat is coming.

mission trip was good, in case you were wondering. learnt alot about myself and about how God works in miraculous ways. right now, i am just tired. my voice is dying. been shouting alot at north thailand because the kids there only listen to you when you are loud enough to grab their attention. learnt alot about the adults too, got to know them better. got to see how full time workers suffer for God and His people. very touched. made me more motivated to know God better so that i will be able to serve with no regrets. the kids there are simple and easily satisfied. give them a hug and they will love you. they play with everything.

but what is etched most deeply in my mind is not the people there, but the level of their faith. they do not seem to know who God is and who it is exactly that they believe in. no matter how much love we show them, we are limited in giving the people there what they need most. they need to know God. but we only have 9 days with them. 3 days to warm up, 5 days to teach, and 1 day to pack up. we can play with them, we can give them things, we can share the gospel with them. but only the full time ministers there can help them get what they need most. i am just glad i could be there to see God work, and to be an encouragement to the people there.

the few days there made me think alot about myself. i have many faults and i often blame myself for being imperfect. wondered how God will ever use me. but the weaker i am, the more likely for God to use me. that is a motivation. i must read more of God's word now, to know Him better. to spend more time building my relationship with God.

one other thing i got to think about is what kind of girl i want to be. many people i know expect girls to be pampered, to be whiney, to be weak and its ok for a girl to be dependent on others. such girls dont need to do anything because everyone else will do for them. they are also very loved by everyone. but i am not like that. made me sad because i want to be loved to. but after thinking through i still want to be a nu qiang ren. i want to depend only on God. but this means i have to forgo alot of the pleasure of being pampered and i have to do things i may not like to do =) oh well. it will be worth it.

i am sad. i have been disappointed. if you want to know, come ask me, but be prepared to lend me your shoulder and some time.