what am i to do with you? tell me. give me a reason. give me something concrete to hold on to!

say the magic words to me. say them to me and make my day. say them to me and i will give myself to you.

stuck in this confusion. everything is grey. everything is...

what on earth am i doing???

its easy to think that loneliness is your constant companion. the only problem is that loneliness does not co-exist with God. so make up your mind.

I am with a husband because I choose to be, not because I need someone to take care of me. I want to be free to take care of myself. - quote from "the Double Shift"

getting distracted is as easy as breathing. you dont even know that you have been distracted till you catch yourself doing it.

Heb. 11: 24-29

what on earth am i looking for? what are you looking for? am i willing to give up my pillows for the cause? am i willing to give up my freedom, rights and sleep for you? not so sure after all. will i give up my plans for yours? i hate to say this but i will not. i want a life. i want to enjoy. but i also want you. so what do i want more?

i was disappointed, but you sent me the wonderful number 6 and made life so much more enjoyable. sqeezing into the back row of the bus and the tram. fitting into one table and 2 lockers nicely. no cliques. no rain. no regrets. what else can i ask for?

Sometimes I just cant help but think I am really useless. I have no way to control my emotions. I get sad so easily. I get discouraged easily. I can be joyful at times, but most of the time I am just sad.

I love fantasy. I love love stories. I love to be happy. I love to feel loved. But its hard to swallow the fact that this is not reality. When you watch a show and get that fuzzy feeling, it is hard when the show ends and all that is left is emptiness, as if the hope simply disappeared into thin air. Whatever happened to the protagonist will never happen to me, although for that one hour I can almost taste the hope that it will. Look around and you will see that shows do not reflect reality.

It is time to choose the kind of woman I want to be: cute, lovable, and pampered? Or strong, long-suffering and firm?

It has come to a point when I find it hard to hold on to the hope I once had. Expected.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the Will of God, you will receive what He has promised. – Hebrews 10:35-36.

I do not know if I am suffering for the His sake. But I do know that I am definitely struggling to hold on to His promises.

the rug has been pulled from under my feet. the whole world is spinning. cant seem to put my finger on anything.

now i just need to find my bearings.

this is so addictive. hangover is the word.

i am tired of looking at the spectacles and finding out that nothing is what they seem. i NEED my bearings.

why is it that when you look for something you never find it, but when you do not look for it, it suddenly appears? things never happen the way you want them to, do they? is that why it hurts?

this weekend has really been fruitful. for those who say that God does not exist, think again. if you think i am crazy then do not read on.

i've done something wrong again. but immediately after i have done it, you spoke to me and warned me not to do it again or i will suffer your absence and your silence. then saturday you spoke again thru vincent about forgiveness and that i need to change and find my passion. and today, you spoke about remaining in Christ. i know what i need to do already.

when i first went for this lecture on mass media, my teacher pulled out his pair of glasses and told us this analogy: very often when we see the world, we see it through our glasses without remembering that we are wearing our glasses. in this course, we will look at this pair of spectacles and examine it.

and indeed, i have been examining this pair of spectacles the entire semester. guess what? i have been confused ever since. the world is not as we think it is. what we have taken for granted, i am studying it. in sociology, we have this famous term called "debunk". go find out what it means. but anyway, somehow when joel talked about using the automatic bed on his brother, it struck me as this: de-bunk. to throw off the bunk, or bed. yups. disastrous.

my brain is getting fried. someone please offer to bring me out (by that you had better planned something to do ya).

i have intentionally and successfully carried out my plan to murder. target: grace wan. wait. that name sounds so familiar. yups thats me. i have killed myself. when i embarked on this journey, i knew i would sink very soon. but yups i have. still floating i guess, but struggling. makes me feel all the more alive. the closer you are to death, the more you treasure life.

just found out that everyone around me is linked some way or another. the entire universe seems to be one giant network and i am simply an outcast.

"oh, so-and-so is your cousin right? she is my church friend!"
"oh really? wow, you know my boyfriend too! you know all my friends"
"and to think we have not met up till now!"

amazing. cant help but make me feel more isolated and marginalized in this large and warm body of NUS.

welcome to the real world.

studying everyday is tiring. like there is no purpose to life anymore. first thing i see when i wake up is the table. first thing i see when i get home is the table. see table, see books, see day burried in books. wonderful. i need to go on. i am very very bored and tired of everything now. i need something to spice up my life.

it has been some time since i last posted here. but so much has happened in my life.

o but first, check this out. http://pic1.funtigo.com/valuca?g=25544746&cr=1
i have always loved clouds. they are such beautiful creations of God. silent, pure, sheltering us from the full blow of the sun, yet soft and comforting to look at. they are unpredictable and mysterious. no one can fully tell what shape they are going to form next. so beautiful!! i would not mind being a cloud, silently pointing others to the creativity of God, yet not as visible and no power of my own. just being a silent and inconspicuous vessel. must take more photos the next time i get on a plane =p

anyway, so many of my lectures have been about Christianity recently. and nothing good about Christianity has been said. Christianity is patriarchal. Christianity justified war. Christianity robbed women of their rights. sometimes i feel so upset after lessons. what have i been experiencing all my life? who was the one who disciplined me? who is responsible for the Grace today? i need to go to SBC soon and get my theological training asap. so i can get back and shoot my lecturers. or simply invite the holy spirit upon them. -whistles-

suddenly take a deep breath does not sound so comforting anymore. it can now be used as a death threat. choose the kind of death you want. the slow death whereby you kill your cells by inhaling the substances in the air, or simply stopping to breathe and die instantly. my eyes hurt, my back hurts, my lungs hurt, my throat hurts. i am dying. come on everyone. let us stop all driving activities and take public transport. or else i will be next on the orbituary: girl died of inhaling too much air.

ever since sem started i have started to hate thursdays and fridays. they are horrible days. tomorrow i have lessons from 10am to 4pm non stop, with a test at 12pm to 2pm. this means i have to eat in class AGAIN. then after my lecture ends at 4pm i have to rush down to give my tuition kid tuition. one hour travel. tuition starts at 5pm. lets just pray that she does well given the fact that i spent all my revision time on her. then after tuition ends at 7pm (in boon lay), i have to rush down to clementi AGAIN, for project meeting at 8pm and we will probably end around 11 plus. horrible. means i have to eat dinner in a rush too. explains my gastric problems huh. sigh.

i think this is my longest post so far. to all those i have been sms-ing, sorry to bother you. i really need an outlet. and thanks for bothering to reply me=)