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i am crazy.

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" - Esther 4:14

"Your desire to assume leadership should be rooted in the knowledge that as a leader you will be forced to rely on God alone -- and in the belief that there's no better situation to be in."

thanks SM

been asking myself alot of questions recently.

i know i am not the best worship leader around. i don't know how to use the microphone properly. i don't know how to choose songs properly. i don't plan my songs (i choose songs based on lyrics, not keys). i have no idea what each instrument is capable of so i can't plan for rehearsal well either. i have poor time control and we often end worship pract late. my singing is bad. my rhythm is bad. i can't seem to communicate my ideas to the team.

neither am i a good small group leader. i find it hard to draw a line between nagging and concern. i don't know how to show concern when someone is depressed. i don't know how to point people to Christ.

oh well, these are just my random thoughts as i lie on my bed at night. sometimes i really feel horrible and useless. i mean, can't i be better? God deserves to use someone better mah. its like, the master artist is at work and i am the pencil. but instead of being a staedtler pencil, i am some unknown brand that is made in China. perhaps after using a while i end up breaking (basically just the useless kind that we get as kids for Children's day).. hahaha

so today, before worship, i prayed and told God: i know i am not the best choice you can have, but i pray that you will use whatever i have and use it for Your glory. and guess what? He did! today timo came up to me and thanked me for leading worship today, because he was encouraged. i seldom get sincere "thank you"s, so i was really encouraged too! and the song that touched him was not the songs i chose, but the song that elder yeoh chose! haha so to cut the main point, God used whatever was prepared and touched His people.

i guess its the useless that God wants to use, although He definitely deserves to use something better. because it is in the weak that His power and glory is revealed.

the last baby bird has finally flown away. finally my family can relax and stop worrying about the bird. i guess the paper nest really helped. was playing with the baby bird today after i got home. put it in my hands and wanted to take a photo of it. but while i was playing with it, it suddenly flew out of my hand onto the ledge. i was so shocked! it looked to insecure, i really thought it would fall off the ledge to its death. haha but it did not, and it flew off from the ledge and never came back. i actually managed to video the bird making its first flight away from its nest! so cool =)

went to meet up with the 2 jo's from my jc class today at holland v. look at my half eaten xiao long bao.
anyway, after we left that place at around 9pm, we actually ran into maria and navin (another 2 of our classmates)!! such a coincidence you know, especially since navin is flying off next wednesday and joshua is flying off next monday and we all end up eating on the same street at the same time! really glad to meet up with so many old friends actually..

i have something very very grave to say. i am so sorry, joshua and joel, i lost the photos that we took. argh sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry. next time, remind me to charge my camera before leaving the house.. =( for some strange reason, i thought i uploaded it onto my laptop, but i did not!! and now the photos are gone. so sad! i wonder if its a problem with my camera or my memory card. die la..

school is starting to take a toll on me. the non stop action on tue and wed is really tiring me out. i think my body is aging faster than my mothers'. i can actually fall sick from sleeping for 6 hours at night!! what a joke. i think i slept too much during the holidays.. must change back to the school gear. any more of this and the physical fatique can transform into emotional and spiritual fatigue.

i just lost my free day.. actually, i did not even have it in the first place.. *haha* i just did not check my tutorial slots properly. anyway, above is my timetable (lectures only).. tutorials will add more bulk to it.. so don't envy me too early.. i really dislike the 8am lecture thing..

this semester, im doing most of the lectures that i like.. after today's lecture, im more excited about the semester ahead! haha tamil is going to be so cool; the microbes lecturer is so funny; the social theory lecture is going to be so useful for my major. tmr is my early day. really hope i don't fall sick (like i usually do) for waking up so early. will be kinda lonely this semester. i only have friends for one module only for this semester, but i hope i will learn more this semester. God answered my prayer about exciting me. i just need to keep praying the other prayer items.. haha

sometimes things happen and i ask God why they happen.. i even have the tendency to blame myself for everything bad that happens (as if i have the power to stop it from happen =/).. but this time, although i know im to blame.. im glad it happened. i've changed my perspective after this incident, and im glad with the change.. i guess its never safe to insist on my opinions, especially since now i know that i change my opinions kinda easily..

lets pray that things work out this time round.

was supposed to have a youth workers' outing yesterday. planned to go to sentosa for picnic and then go cycle. brought all my things: clothes, shoes and so on. but... IT WAS CANCELLED!!! so sad. i think, now that school is starting, we wont have time for any more outings.

but i am also kind of glad we did not go to sentosa. *hahahahaha* because if i did go, i would not have been home so early and i would not get to see the birds outside my house!! woohoo.

for those of you who do not know, there is this family of birds that come to my house twice every year to build a nest in the potted plants outside my house. that is one reason why my mom keeps her potted plants even though they have grown too big. anyway, normally we do not get to see the whole process of how the parent birds force the babies to fly. but this time round, for some strange reason, the baby birds refuse to fly even after the parents destroyed the nest!! the nest was totally torn apart and the baby birds fell to the ground. thank God my brother spotted them or the babies would have been trampled upon by unsuspecting neighbours. so my family build a paper nest for the birds.. temporary, until they decide to fly. the poor parents have to continue to feed the babies i guess.. hahaha



the baby birds are really very cute. so cuddly and so tame. they'll cling on to your fingers and let you pat them. *hehehe* i'll miss them when they fly away. but if they do not fly away, they'll die. oh well. at least the parents are still taking care of them now..

but the way the parents force the kids to fly reminded me of the sermon on sunday, of how parents will not do anything to harm their kids. the parents did not mean to harm the kids when they destroyed the nest, they just wanted to the kids to learn to fly and do what they were created to do (soar in the skies). but the babies would not climb out of their nest to fly, so the parents have to destroy the nest to force them out. even now, when the babies refuse to fly, the parents still continue to care for them. one of them, the father (this black bibbed bird) is in charge of guarding and he is always somewhere near the nest, while the mother (the yellow one, no bib) will go and get food, as shown in the photos above (the one that shows her feeding). its an extra burden on them when the babies do not fly, but they still do it.

even the birds know how to give the best to their kids, what more our wise and almight God?

things are finally settled. now, i can finally sit down and think what exactly i want to do. at least now i am more or less assured that we wont change again for the next few months. in fact, i already have a rough idea what to do..

thanks gor...

i guess sometimes i really need to let go of my own hurt and move on. remember that it is not man i am serving, but God. just do my part and let God do His magic, just like He has all this while.

school is starting! and thank God, i have mondays off.. the long weekends will do me some good, i hope.

school is starting next week. not excited about it, but i am still thankful that the holidays are finally over.

i do not like this flavour of icecream. but somehow, i still wanted to hold on to the cone just because i like the feeling of having a cold ice cream cone in between my hands and it makes me look good among my friends too, since most of us have an ice cream cone each. but if i keep holding on to this flavour, i may just miss the next flavour that comes my way, which may be suited to my taste. so, i shall let go of this cone, so that my other friends can try it and see if they like it, while i continue to wait for my cone.

God can use anyone. this statement may be an encouragement to me sometimes, but right now, this sounds sad. somehow i feel so useless. since God can use anyone, why would he use me? why continue to stay on in this ministry when there are people out there who are more likely to be used by God?

recently, i am not sure if am hearing God correctly. what i thought was God's voice turned out to be my own. i guess i was right to always shut that voice in me up. never listen to that voice. or should i? hui zhi said something to me on sunday: you know ah, grace. when your bosses keep changing and revising their policies, it is very demoralizing for those who follow you know. once you get the hang of something, they change it. i finally understand how she feels. for a moment i thought something will stay unchanged, just for a moment... within 1 hour, it changes so drastically, i have no idea how to respond. one thing i am sure of: God is training my patience and teaching me to be slow in reacting. never jump up, always take a moment to breathe and calm down before reacting.

God is always working in our lives. it is just up to us whether we want to see it or not. in everything, good or bad, there is always something to learn and something to thank God for. to all you out there: no matter how tired you may be, or how disappointed you may feel, take a step back and see things from God's perspective. perhaps you may see God's love and promise in the process of being fulfilled. this is something i learnt from jeremiah.

if you read lamentations, you see that jeremiah was extremely sad. God had abandoned Israel and thrown Israel to her enemies. even when jeremiah cried out to the Lord, God did not want to hear him. but he said something that really made me cry and ask God for forgiveness. amidst all his sufferings, jeremiah (in chapter 3) still praised the Lord and proclaimed that the Lord's love is steadfast and the Lord is faithful.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

will i be able to do this? will i still praise the Lord when i am tired and disappointed? will i still thank God when i am sick and dying? will i remember God and thank Him when i am successful and prosperous?