2nd post of the day! before i adjourn for lunch -grins-

was reading through my old post and i came across this:

it is so easy to feel disappointed. to look at someone and wonder how long it would take for me to give up. so often i have told myself to just give up and let things go as they are. but in the end i still am unable to let go of the friendship. then i do the ultimate silly thing and try to talk to you. and i get hurt yet again. for how long do you think this friendship will last? do you even treasure it the way that i do?

i am starting to have doubts on how far i can go and how long i can last.

i am still feeling this after so long. and yes, i have lasted this long. now that exams are over, perhaps it is time to do something about this, like change my perspective.

i know you do not want to talk, but when you do, i want you to know i will always be here to listen. if you still do not want to talk, i will still support you in anyway i can. all i ask is that you work things through with God. He will definitely comfort you.

in case you were wondering, these words refer to more than one person ;)

its finally over! my body can finally release all the tension and rest peacefully. but like i was telling joel, i see miracles everyday throughout this exam period... shall share a few here.

as i found out this semester, i am naturally hyperactive. haha used to think i just procrastinate. but this time round, no matter how hard i try to force myself to sit there and study, i just cannot. i cant help but move around and if i sit for too long, my eyes will hurt and my brain will stop picking up information. so irritating. so this semester i wont be surprised if i do badly.

anyway, so i did not study early, and i could not mug nearer to the exam dates, so this means: i was very ill prepared for this exam. so as usual, being the lazy and last minute arts student, i just picked some topics to study for and guess what? out of the 4 subjects, what i chose to study for came out!!! yups must really thank God. cos not only did the questions come out, but the questions were pretty easy to understand. so yups! thats great. plus, normally i'll get nightmares before the exams and i'll get cold fingers that cramp up during exams. but this time round, although my fingers were cold, they did not cramp up and i wrote the longest essays in all my entire life. hahaha 4 to 5 pages in an hour is amazing i tell u. my longest record was 2.5 pages. hahaha

and for my "family" paper, i woke up early to study in the morning (usual), but i got so tired so i fell asleep while waiting for my father to come fetch me. ended up, my dad got so caught up in his visitation that he came home late and i was asleep so i did not call to rush him!!! so we only had 15 minutes to travel to school, a trip that normally takes 20 minutes! so guess what, i was late for the paper. never in my entire life have i been late, or even on time for my exams. so ya, on the way to school, i was trying not to flare up or start panicking. kept telling myself to calm down. then i looked out of the van and saw the trees and i told God: Father you can make the trees grow and make the sun rise, i am sure You can stop time for me and let me get there in time.

weird prayer, i know =) but God did say yes to that prayer! in a different way though. he did not make time stop, but he made my lecturer stop ;) when i reached there, my lecturer was making the entire hall wait for me and she was desperately trying to get my contact number! hahaha amazing la! so i was not penalized by having less time to do my paper, although i was unable to calm down after i sat down, because i ran and i was panicking. haha so i kinda screwed up my first question by writing too much without any plan (never do that). yups but God did make something stop!

lessons learnt:
(1) never do last minute work, 1 month before is not enough either.
(2) don't be afraid to pray for outrageous prayers, as long as they are not for your own selfish gains but for God's glory (thats why i am writing this here, to give Him the glory)

just some random thoughts i had before i fell asleep on my bed for a nap:

you know how all these talk has been about there being no God and that we came from monkeys (or apes). somehow something did not seem right to me. something about the argument is flawed. so i gave it some thought and tried to think from a atheist point of view (something i have learned to do from sociology, sadly).

ok if i were a monkey and i knew that somehow, the fittest would survive, but i want to survive... what would i do? first on my list, murder. i would murder anyone who seems to be fitter than me. next, i would cheat. i would cheat everyone else into believing im the best so i deserve more food and resources. of course, cheating comes with lying. so that's 2 things i'll do. then, i'll steal or rob when the other monkey does not give me what i want. afterall, the fittest will survive! so i must get all the food i need and the most well protected spot for resting.

well, you get the idea. then something else struck me, after reading what joel posted about the atheist thing. would love actually exist in such an environment whereby only the fittest will survive? NAH. hahaha what a stupid thing to propose! if i were to be altruistic and love the other monkeys, where would i be now?????? DEAD, along with other monkeys that did not evolve. hahaha. so, NO! i'll never love. only dumb monkeys will love and help and share and care. the fittest survives. and i want to be that fittest one.

so where did love come from? if there is no God, and we all came from monkeys, then we'd live in trying to outdo the next person. this innate love we have must have come from some wise being up there, who sees what is going on now and what will happen if we continue to live selfishly.

something i learnt in social psychology is that when faced with self interest and group interest, we'd choose self interest. but in fact, group interest will protect everyone and ensure that everyone survives in the long run, while self interest, although it benefits the individual in the short run, will eventually kill off everyone else in the group. so on our own, we'd have no love, and tried to grab as much benefits for ourselves. but because someone looked into the future and said: oh no, i better tell this bunch of losers that they'll go extinct if they keep on being selfish. i think i need to teach them what is love, so that they can help each other and be united and ensure the survival of everyone. to me, this explains why we have the law that moses got in the old testament.

then after this wise being gave this bunch of losers a set of what-to-do's, this bunch of losers, because they are losers, decided that they knew better and hence, did not want to follow the instructions and went back to their old ways. then the wise being had no choice but to teach individuals in the group what to do, so they can teach the rest. but that did not work out either. so, what to do? this wise being, being wise, decided, what to do? just go show them what love actually means loh, and at the same time, make it easier for the bunch of losers to love. thats why we celebrate christmas, good friday and easter.

if you have come thus far, congratulations. dont ask why i can think so much while trying to go to sleep. hahaha.

thanks guys, for being there for me, when i was really going down. i know yall did not volunteer to be there but im still glad that yall were around.

amazing how God can turn my perspective in half an hour. from being on the verge of tears of stress and misery, to tears of joy. it is priceless to have God.

it is so easy to feel disappointed. to look at someone and wonder how long it would take for me to give up. so often i have told myself to just give up and let things go as they are. but in the end i still am unable to let go of the friendship. then i do the ultimate silly thing and try to talk to you. and i get hurt yet again. for how long do you think this friendship will last? do you even treasure it the way that i do?

i am starting to have doubts on how far i can go and how long i can last.