i've been to see 3 different doctors in 1 month. the first was about my eyes, then about this wound that will not stop bleeding because of the infection, then today, for flu. my dad must be so broke now, spent so much money to see the doctor.

strangely, i did not fall sick during school time. only now that im more relaxed that all the illnesses surface.

dint do well again 2nd sem in a row. really doubt if i can do honours. uni is so tough. but uni is precious, because this is where i spend the last few years of my education career. this is so scary, to think that i'll be working this time of next year, if i do not manage to do honours. i still do not know what i can do when i graduate!

its been a long time since i last felt depressed. strangely, now that i have nothing to do, i am depressed. things can get to me so easily. i am so depressed over my future now, suddenly do not want to do anything, not even full time. scared of everything. sometimes i just have the urge to call my mom and tell her i miss her and tell her to come home now. do not know what is wrong with me. perhaps not being able to buy things is bad for my emotional health. hahahaha

i have decided. i give up. i do not know what is going on. perhaps you're running from me. perhaps i did something to piss you off. but i am tired of having to guess and its time i let go.

goodbye my friend.

serving in church has made me more sensitive to God's emotions. everytime i get hurt loving others, i remember how God went through pain to love me as well. despite all the times i leave Him and do things to hurt Him, He still wants me to come home. He never stops calling me home.

She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.

I feel His pain, the pain that God feels everytime we use a talent that He gave to gain praise for ourselves, everytime we use the money that God gave to enjoy life instead of using it for His people, everytime we enjoy all that He has given and worship life. I cried when i read that passage, because that is who i am - a prostitute. loving all that my husband has given and lavishing it on my lover.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master."

how i look forward to that day when my relationship with God goes beyond duty (my master), to that of love and passion (my husband).

the joy of the Lord is my strength.

i am cursed!!!! oh no!!!

went to tuition kid's house today for tuition. sat down with her at 5.03pm. but she forgot to bring in my drink, so i let her go out to get it. she closes the door. then her horrible kid brother came over to attempt to open the door (he always does this to disturb his sister). but he could not open the door! his sister tries and i try. but it still could not open!!! the horror! tuition has not even started and im stuck in the room without the tuition kid!!

this is the second time already. the last time, i was stuck in the toilet! haha and my parents were in Malaysia, so we had to call my uncle down and i had to study for exams inside the toilet. this time, i am stuck in my uncle's house in his daughter's room! twice in 2 years! and with me alone in both times!! so i was stuck in there for 45 minutes, during which i had to try desperately to pry open the door, while my uncle scolded and shouted and hammered at the door. so scary. was so scared that he will get angry with me, since its his 2nd time having to get me out of a room.

what is wrong with me?? now im so scared of locking doors already. sigh

i realize that i have changed alot over the years. used to be afraid of changes, now, i welcome challenges. God has really used people around me to change me.

some people arent too happy about a young person like me leading worship. some may just be worried for me, some may be uncomfortable with seeing someone so young leading a big event. but either way, i'd say: God has His hand in this. sometimes he uses the extremely old, to show the young real strength. sometimes He uses the young to show the old what innocent faith is.

anyway, something amazing happened on sunday during the worship. there was this song "when i survey the wondrous cross" that i chose to be sung during holy communion. its a song that i use everytime i lead combined worship, so i did not bother to practice it during worship. however, immediately after the offering song, when the pastors came up to do the holy communion, i looked at the lyrics of the song and realized that i totally could not remember how the song sounds like!!! i just freaked out!

i remembered the last time my mind went blank during worship for a song and at that time, i really did not sing the song even when the music started. thank God i had backup singers who sang the first few words in my place. but this time round, i was alone on stage. no one around me, so i could not ask anyone to sing. you know how scary that is>
so the scripture ended. the session took the cups and left the stage. the piano started playing. and guess what, i still could not remember how to sing!!!!!!!!! time for the first word. still no music came forth. then at the second word, the tune suddenly came to me and i started singing. as if this was not amazing enough, the microphone was screwed up, so it was not on for the first verse! so no one noticed that i did not sing the first word! they just heard this wonderful solo without the microphone! hahah instead of embarrassing myself, i amazed them! i cant tell you how grateful i am to God. He is amazing. and He really answers prayers at his own timing. hahaha

something else happened before that during practice. for those who were there, lets just say, i was extremely upset. its one of those times when i had to desperately fight back tears. at that time, i really wanted to run out and hide somewhere to cry. when kelvin asked me to leave the stage, the temptation was too great. but i chose to stay on stage and start the rehearsal. i didnt know why i did that, but now i know why. God wanted to teach me to depend on him. crying doesnt solve anything. depending on God is the best solution. so anyway, i am really glad she did what she did, because without her, i would not have learnt true patience and love. learning to say thank you to God in a time like that used to be tough, but it came naturally on friday, because i know that God never stopped training me and moulding me. serving has really helped to shape me.

i don't know what my final destination is. perhaps i may not be leading worship a few years down the road. maybe i'll be leaving youth ministry in a year. but whatever the long term plan that God has in mind, i will serve faithfully. not just because of what God has promised ahead of me, but also because of what He has already done. He is worth more than i can give.

Shu Mei, Sheng'en, Emily and Grace are young suburbanite buddies stuck in a rut. Bee, a hardworking bank operations associate, yearns to be free from her everyday bothers at work and everyone else in his life (or at least just the office). Sheng'en is an aspiring accountant, desperate to free herself from the bondages of mugging. Emily is determined to enjoy herself (despite staying up for 12 hours) before she gets sucked back into the mad rush in the hospitals. And Grace, who obviously does not have it all, is just not satisfied with sleeping at home. Each weekend, the foursome, known as the "Newtonites", meets at a Church along Newton Road in their Sunday Best. with her holidays boring her to death, Grace hits on the idea: a "Newtonites" foursome road trip to the end of the island (east coast), in a 4 wheel blue kia picanto. Soon, the four are embarking on the adventure of their lives. But when they stumble upon a heavy storm along the highway, accompanied by water-spraying cars (just cars that speed into the huge puddles, sending frightening jets of water into our windscreen and blinding us). the "Newtonites" discover that they are in for a greater adventure than they expected, including a showdown in the sleepy town of Marina Square.

i guess that about summarizes our day huh =p haha for visual updates, kindly refer to Bee.

every experience is a chance to learn. there is a lesson (or maybe even more than one), in every thing that you go through. for one, i learnt today that it is important not to speed when encountering large puddles on the road for the sake of those around you. and i also learnt that girls can never give up shopping, no matter how much they say they cannot. yes.