comforted

wow i dint realise so mani pple read my blog so often.. felt realli touched tt yall actuali read n ask me abt it.. =p well for ur info.. im feeling much better today, still drained basically but no anger n no disappointment.

had a long cry yest n my dad came to talk to me n encouraged me.. cant even remember when was the last time i had such a long cry. felt really good.. i guess my lecturer was right. gals tend to cry more.. at least i do.. crying seems to be a way for me to express my anger, next to blowing my top. anw, i guess all tt crying helped to remove my energy so i haf no more energy to be angry.. had a good sleep after tt, tho now my eyes r swollen n all *hehe*

jus wanted to write this to remind myself of the correct mindset n hopefully this can help those who feel weary n all.. i missed qt a few days liao n yest i decided to get back to reading Ecclesiastes 12:9-14=>The Conclusion of the Matter , and these 2 verses struck me:
13 Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.
14 For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.

my job in this whole situation was not to make sure things work, but to make sure i am able to answer to God in tt i did my best out of respect n love for Him. whether or not i am bullied or whether or not it is fair, tts nt the point anymore. as long as i can say to God tt: Lord, i did my best n i trust u to take care of the rest. i should nt take the burden upon myself n get all upset. as long as i fear the Lord n keep his commandments, i m fine. wat others r doing tt r unfair n self serving, they have to answer to God. if its God's will that we get more work, so be it. i shall take it as a training n find joy in every extra job God gives to me. i need to always remember tt GOd is watching me with His loving eyes n He knows when i m going to be crushed. jus like when elijah was tired n he ran away from queen jezebel, God sent angels to take care of him. God knew elijah was tired n God took care of him, giving him comfort n renewed strength. when man cannot look left or look right because nothing works, we have to look up: where God is, n trust in Him.

Im sorry, Lord, for forcing u to use such desperate measures to stop me from looking at myself. but thank you for correcting me, tho u could just left me alone. teach me to always look to u and to bear in mind tt my goal is not on this earth, but in You. teach me to rest in you n always be joyful cos u r here to take care of everything, im not alone.

self-centeredness

im getting tired of having to counsel pple who are jus too self centered and too caught up in self pity. most pple jus fail to see tt there are so mani pple out there who need their help too. most jus do not care abt how others r n can onli see how miserable life is for them.

the world is not jus abt u, u noe? why dont u stop thinking of how horrible things are and how horrible pple are treating u n start thinking abt how u make pple feel? perhaps wat u feel is cos of wat u make pple feel? sigh. i have run out of things to say and i certainly do not want to say anymore. if u think its better for u to stay where u r, i suggest u get professional help.

however, i have to admit that this refers to me too. when im angry, i get into the unrighteous anger mode n i start to do things tt i regret later. justified i may be, but the things i do out of tt anger aren't. im really tired of everything. all this unfairness tt i feel, all this tiredness of having to do unappreciated labour, all this having to counsel when i myself feel like shit, having to smile when i feel so sad, having to pay attention when i m so so tired n i don't even noe wats going on. sigh. i guess everyone feels this too, or at least i tell myself tt. n i see potential to learn more abt leaning on God for strength. as of now, i jus pray for good rest n renewed strength. i noe there are alot of pple who depend on me for support n listening ear. i do not want to lose tt. so i guess i shall have to continue maintaining status quo. God help me not to blow up with too much honesty.=/

im in desperate need of sleep=/

sigh.. been so tired since wed this week.. slept for 6 hrs on wed nite, 5 hrs on thu nite n 5 hrs fri nite.. becoming more like the panda.. tho not as cute=/ n ya.. realise my msn nick realli fits my condition now.. I BITE.

started work at 930am today.. been pissed from then on.. never have i felt so made-use of, or undermined. felt like i was exploding with anger n disbelief. so strange how some pple, who are old n SUPPOSED to be more mature, are actually still so selfish, self serving n proud. i told age shows maturity, but i am so wrong, n im proud to admit my mistake. decided tt position in a certain organisation doesnt mean anything. u may be highly respectable but tt doesnt mean u r righteous.

but i m glad abt how everyting turned out, how we shocked even ourselves at the end result. God is indeed good. he can make hte blind see, the lame walk, and make the exploited shine. wow. tts all i can say to Him. indeed, God gives more to those who do not have much to begin with. honestli, i never expected tt the whole group of us can actually make so much out of nothing. we used garbage bags, leftover table cloths, borrowed bluetack, plastic bag to be thrown away, borrowed paint, unwanted OHP, last min ideas on the gifts, and the end result is wow. how this happened, i am still wondering.. how we can have a few of our heads put tog to get this n of cos, God's inspiration. we onli had a pathetic wooden table, now we have a big black banner n so many little arrows on the floor. muahahahahahahahahaha. proud of us all man. hope we all have fun tmr=p

exams coming soon n im finally getting into hte studying mood. hope im not too late=/ but rite now... i jus wanna have a good rest.. tho the hols next week dun matter, considering i alreadi have hol every tue n thu=/

strange

i haf a 15 pages essay due this fri.. n im still on page 2.. sigh.. isnt it strange that i can be so relaxed when everyone else is panicking dunno if its good to relax loh.. my fren was jus saying she is very surprised tt im not panicking.. n she goes ard telling everyone tt im very relaxed.. m i supposed to panick because u panick? feel like slapping her.. honestly.. u can panick all u wan.. dun come n poke ur nose into my business k? >< rude i noe.. but hey.. im alreadi too tired to be nice. somehow i hate uni life. pple r so competitive n they dun realli care abt how u feel anymore.. i guess when u come to the final few yrs of ur education u dun realli care if u make anymore frens cos u alreadi haf frens from so mani other yrs of education. o well.. talk abt the evil side of pple surfacing.

went for liquid nitrogen AND accupuncture yest.. wah.. ultimate pain. numbness, sharp pain and everything else rolled into one day. but the worse is not hte needles.. cos u dun feel much sharp pain from the needles.. mainly overwhelming numbness.. the worse is the medication.. this pack of brown bitter medication tt i haf to gulp down with a cup of warm water.. n no cold water until i get better.. -screams in horror- i naturalli haf high body temp loh.. n i NEED cold water!!!wats more, i almost puked when i took the medication.. sigh.. so mani more packs to go.. can die liao.. anw i jus hope it pays off man.. hate the pain in my shoulders.. decided to do everything needed to get well... including running.. hmm=/

i find it very sad tt i wont be able to join much of choir this yr.. used to wonder why my seniors dun come back for choir.. now i noe why.. rehearsal is on every day when i dun haf exams.. so i either haf exam or choir.. n i need those days to study.. there goes carolling.. o well shall see if i can go n sing without going for rehearsal..

hello again

hmm its been a long time since i last updated my blog.. haha i guess alot of u haf been checking now n then n got a bit fed up when u realise i haf not updated huh=p sorry n thnx for checking..

exams in less than a mth's time... scary when u think abt it.. how u haf less than a week for each sub now.. n tt my death penalty will be coming soon.. o well... wat will happen to me if i dun do well huh? sigh...

tmr is ac open house.. will haf to go earli cos i wanna go church for meeting=] so fun!! get to see my juniors n all.. hehe actuali im realli grateful for the pple ard me.. actualli i think im still pretty much a loner.. not many good frens n all, cos im not a good fren.. but pple ard me r still very nice to me.. juniors who still rem me after so long n hope to see me.. sisters n brothers in church who ask how i am now n then n keep me updated abt their lives.. not tt i love to kaypoh abt their lives, but when pple volunteer to tell u abt wats going on in their lives, its very touching i feel.. at least they bother to tell n they trust u enuff to tell u.. frens in sch who are always so positive n help me to look on the bright side of life.. hehe thanks pple.. thanks to all u who have kept me going.. too mani to mention tho=p

so much has happened to me these few weeks.. i guess most will think im always happy go lucky.. or impermeable to being upset.. jus like when i shared abt my struggles to my bible study grp they were kinda shocked.. haha ya im jus like everyone else.. i haf my struggles too!! hmm dunno why but recentli my heart n head haf been at war.. its reali tiring when u haf to keep self discipline as defence all the time.. making sure u dun make any mistake to cause urself or others pain.. sigh all these struggles are good for me i noe.. helps me to sharpen discipline.. but its very tiring.. kinda demoralising too.. filoi, now u noe why i said wat i said this afternoon huh.. yup its very tough to "win" myself... argh so must constantli pray for strength n all..

but im thankful to God also.. tho im such a sinner.. done so mani things to hurt Him again n again.. but He still is so kind to me.. let me have such a wonderful bunch of frens.. let me live in such a caring family... let me be part of a church with such "weird" but very wonderful pple.. thank You, Father.. i love u...

cold

sitting in the library now.. i think this is the first time im in here alone.. haha very productive.. did draft 2 for my essay.. hopefully there is enuff info to finish my essay by the dateline..

im very very sleeepy.. slept at 2 last nite.. also dunno why.. couldnt sleep.. anw.. woke up at 615 today.. haha was late for lect. wat a nice start.. now.. after being in here for 3 hrs.. its time to move to macs n haf a "good" dinner.. haha n i onli haf 15 min for dinner loh.. how wonderful..

someone jus told me smth abt someone i noe today.. not exactli gossip.. but i also dunno why i let myself dwell into the info.. i noe its definiteli true cos my fren dint exactli judge tt person.. jus a remark.. but i think it kinda hurt me.. cos i suddenli realise tt the person has been lying to me.. sigh.. sometimes when u dun haf the info, u wish u had it.. wish u knew wat exactli was going on.. but when u finali get the info.. u realise u realli dun wanna noe anything.. but too late... o well.. i guess its time to let go.. dun let such pple affect me anymore.. im tired of letting my emotions get affected.. cost me so many sleepless nites n so much tears.. all im asking of God now is the strength to go on.. n let go.. sometimes when pple hurt u.. u jus haf to learn to let go.. forget it n dun let it affect u.. cos its pointless.. as if the person noes ur hurt.. hmmzz

tired

i haf to admit, after so many weeks of pdl, i am indeed feeling tired. not tired of doing this, but tired physically and emotionally. every sunday is like going to battle, rushing here and there, from one ministry to another, having to switch mentally and all.. sigh.. tiring. everyone has their own expectation of u.. plus my own expectations.. enough to kill me. my heart is so much with the sheep that i think of them all the time, thinking of ways to help them grow n all.. its encouraging to see them grow but sometimes it jus takes a toll on my energy level.. however i am still very very grateful, for the Lord has been faithful

throughout the week, God has shown me many little encouragements. of cos.. the tests were bad but i managed to guess them at least!! haha not anyhow write one answer but really think abt it and make 'intelligent' guesses.. haha how intelligent? we will find out when i get my papers back but at least i dun feel sad or regret anything because God helped me to study well this week.. honestly this is one of the rare times i can say i am very very very busy. had to prepare for tests, teach math, prepare for pdl n even to try n figure out wat im supposed to do for retreat. 3 tests in a week and i onli had a week to study for all. 2 days to prepare for soci, one day for genes n econs each.. considering tt i m 50% blur for econs, i m really surprised at how GOd puts my frens ard me to help me with it. people offered to lend me notes, people sit with me to explain stuff to me.. wow.. amazing how God works. so little time yet every min was well spent. i did not finish studying but surprisingly i managed to trust n do my best.. easy to say but hard to do i noe.. but thank God, this week was a learnign week on how to do jus tt.. i really am on all fours worshipping God. no matter what the results, i jus wanna thank GOd and to Him be the glory. no matter how tired i am, i will still trust that God is in charge n i cant destroy His plan..