im gonna rant so pls dun read if u dun wanna see.. nothing interesting la

let me rant

i've finalli found one more reason why i dun like ball games or any games for tt case.. i hate competition. call me anti, call me party pooper, call me idealistic call me wateva.. i dun care. i jus hate competition. why cant competitions jus be about fun n friendships? why do pple wanna be so competitive abt everything? a simple game tt starts off as for fun can end up being competitive. in every competition there is exclusion, there is "im better than u", there is " i dun wana be on ur team cos ur lousy".. n i hate tt.. i love games tt r jus for fun, i dun care whether ur good or bad I JUST WANNA PLAY WITH U!!! I LOVE THOSE GAMES! i dun care who is better than who.. i jus hope everyone gets to noe each other better after it, which seldom happens. those who disagree. I DUN CARE WAT U TINK! so ya. get outta my face

i feel tired.. once again. i prayed n asked God to pls harden my heart n take away all abilities to feel. i dun wanna be human anw. a tree an ant.. let it be. emotionless is the way to go. im still finding out who i am. used to tink im relational, doubt i am. i love to noe more abt pple but i've become more closed up recentli. i haf to accept e fact tt i will never haf a best fren. so stop hoping. in a world where God's children r constantly under persecution, its hard to keep ur frens on earth. i rather they be in heaven where we can meet later. (wanna go heaven NOW). will i ever stop this self blaming? will i ever come to terms with my past? will i ever stop blaming myself for being imperfect? i doubt so.

for u who has come to this sentence.. ur dumb n haf too much time on ur hands.. pls go do smth more constructive. thank you.

wat is NUS?

haha i jus realise NUS means a flat headed squid.. so retarded.. so for those of us in NUS, i guess we've been overwhelmed by some squid.. haha okok i noe im dumb=p

i came a new realization recently.. n im thankful to GOd for opening my eyes. all of us face alot of problems in life: why is this happening to me? why m i so lazy? why do i haf so few frens? why m i not attached? why this why tt.. but after going thru sucha long time of feeling depressed tinking abt such questions.. i realise im jus wasting my time..

i wanna thank God (n the planning com) for the sermon on sun.. tt indo missionary realli reached to me.. why m i wasting my time tinking abt how miserable my life is when i should be spending tt time praying for those in need n being the prayer warrior i need to be?

this new insight has opened me up alot.. its a constant struggle to change my perspective but its worth it.. reminds me tt i need God.

sarah was toking abt service in church today. its not abt how high the ladder u climb cos when God looks from above, we're all at the same level.. tts nice to noe.. i haf to be humble or i will disappoint God.

amazing grace

He paid a debt He did not owe,
I owed a debt I could not pay.
I needed someone to wash my sins away,
And now I sing a brand new song,
Amazing grace the whole day long,
For Jesus paid a debt that I could never pay..

thanks vincent for sharing this passage with us.. made my heart warm n swell=]
thank You, Lord for all that You have given.. i do not deserve anything but you gave me salvation. thank You. Grace is indeed amazing=p

shall try n post more happy stuff.. haha

im supposed to say smth nice here.. hmm

haha i've been getting so many pple asking why my blog is so depressing.. hmm my answer: normally when i blog its when im depressed.. so ya.. =p

actually not everything is bad loh.. honestly, tho sch is very very tiring.. i love it.. im doing wat i like.. or at least my modules interest me.. i may not know exactly wats going on but its very interesting.. n im learning so tts very impt to me.. n i haf lecturers who really love teaching.. admire their passion.. very grateful to God for choosing my modules for me.. He still noes me best

for those of u who r worried for me.. i've decided to make certain changes to my perspective.. shall not wallow in misery.. will make decisions regarding my service n not do everything n tire myself out.. pastor richard is right.. my calling isnt jus in church.. sch is also my calling.. i haf to make sure i excel in all aspects to glorify God: sch, family, frenships, character, church etc.

forgive me if i seem to tell yall less abt myself.. i need to listen more n tok less..

everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial

i need to find my focus soon; where my calling is n to ignore everything else. im driving myself crazy trying to do everything n hoping in everything.

sometimes i think staying single is good.. helps pple focus on God and there are no extra burdens.. but in a world where getting attached is a trend.. i wonder which route i will take.. sometimes we may noe we need to trust God but its hard not to wonder... is there something wrong with me?

shall keep my post short n sweet.. for myself to reflect on.. since no one realli cares to leave any comments or listen to me any longer

life is very unfair. with things happening to u tt u wish dint happen to u.. why do some people get all the chances in life, while some get none at all.. its unfair.

im realli wondering wat is impt to me.. comfort on this earth or in God? i noe the model answer but wat is my heart saying rite now? if i reali tink its God then why do i face so mani decision making problems now? shouldnt tings be more straightforward?

sometimes i wish i were blind, so i wont see all tt is happening around me or pictures tt can dig up some hidden emotions.. deaf so i dun haf to hear all the problems tt others r facing or worse how happy others r while im suffering.. blur (more blur than i alreadi m) so i dun haf to be so sensitive to all tts happening.. n i feel less pain..

i wanna go heaven now

decisions.. tsk tsk

some tings need to be done.. whether or not u feel like it.. sacrifices need to be made n i need to feel the pain. but wat needs to be done needs to be done. n i will do it.

jus got out of depression.. hope i dun get into another one.. i noe pple who sink into depression r pple who lose sight of Christ.. but it seems inevitable in my case.. i get stressed out very easily. o well. i duno wat im toking abt liao.. ranting. but ya.. need to make alot of changes.. n i need to make them soon. be decisive, grace!

rain rain go away..

the rainy season is late again.. n tho i m a rain-lover.. i dun like to be caught in one.. hmm it has been raining non stop so far.. if i were at home i would love it.. cos i can then sleep peacefully in the cool of the day.. but when im in sch.. the rain makes me wanna sleep!! n the silly sky is so dark it becomes depressing..

argh.. 1st day of sch.. first time i haf monday blues.. had to wait 4.5 hrs between lectures.. n now i m very sure i cant survive alone.. i hate the feeling of loneliness!!! after being alone for half an hour i started disturbing everyone thru sms or calls.. haha thanks to my new phone plan.. n sorry to ray n dean for tolerating my depressing talk n all.. hehe.. tts the result of leaving grace alone.. o well.. this sem is gonna be heavy.. gonna be loneli.. gonna be tough..

must... hang... in... there... need... God!!!

no questions asked

i haf come to the conclusion that there are certain tings in life where u haf to let go.. not all questions haf to be answered, not all problems need to be resolved. so its time to let go.. stop asking why n how n start taking tings as they r.. whether this will work, we shall find out soon enuff..

wateva it takes

haf been feeling a little upset for very long.. as some alreadi noe by now.. had a little chat with vincent yesterday.. n i realise one of hte reasons why i haf been feeling like this.. i haf lost focus. yes indeed, i wanna go sbc.. n i feel like im in nus cos im underage for sbc.. but i haf forgotten tt my God is a god of all tings, including all aspects of my life. so i haf to learn to do everyting with Him in mind. in nus i can learn alot abt people n how the world is like.. n i can take it as a training loh..

also i haf lost focus in church n im grateful for tt chat with joel.. reminded me tt my purpose in nlc is to get trained up.. so i haf to do everyting - no matter how small i may tink the task is. all leaders get trained from small tasks.. moses was a normal shepherd b4 he actually led the israelites outta egypt, david was a small soldier b4 he became king etc etc.. so i will do wat a promised God a few yrs ago.. i will be faithful in all tings, small or big, and do my best for the Lord. onli when i look to God will i find joy in all tt i do.. very grateful to all u who haf lent me ur ears eyes wateva.. haha n thanks for all ur prayers.. pls remind me whenever i lose focus k? thanks thanks thanks!

...

i cant emphasize more on how much i hate CORS. was talking to my cuzzie yesterday abt bidding n he said tt bidding is unfair, cos we all pay the same amt of sch fees but we dun get to do wat we want. i agree. the system may haf started with good intentions but its definitely nerve wrecking. moreover, i was told i could declare major later but tts crap. dun declare n u suffer the consequences.. while others get the modules for onli 1 point i haf to spend 300 points on that stupid module. argh.. now i noe never listen to those silly admin pple.. must always ask seniors.. now im jus praying that i get the modules cos if i dun i tink i haf to go down manually to register.. which means tt i may nt get wat i want.. this is bad.. trust in the lord? im trying..

Great is Thy faithfulness!

the Lord is indeed great. within the first few hours of my day i have experienced the extreme swings from panic to peace.

was praying this morning rite after i woke up tt i need wed free.. but my original timetable had lessons on wed.. n thought i had to bid today, so i woke up early jus to go through CORS n see what modules i have to do, since i did not get psychology. so when i checked, i realise i may not be able to do 3 of the modules i wanted!!! stres!!! n i haf to do stuff i dun wanna do. so i panicked like crazy.. almost cried.. made a fone call n made me cry even more... almost wanted to scream to the heavens.. but hey.. ray told me to call n check so i called the dean's office.. n i realise that i could do them after all.. wow u cant imagine the peace tt swept over me within seconds.

so now im gonna do soci major.. n i haf to change one of my modules.. guess wat.. now i haf a beautiful timetable.. 2 days break.. n i haf the 2 impt days free. wed when i haf to go skin centre. n fri when i may haf to prepare for english worship.. wow God works all things for the good of his people. i may not be able to do psychology, but now i haf my impt days free. without hafing to plan for it. GOD IS REAL!halleluia for that!