jus tot of an analogy..

a few of us found a wallet today.. then it kinda got me thinking about this analogy:

i feel like a wallet with all e money spent.. im empty.. with no purpose for my existance..

ya.. i tink its kinda approapriate..

feeling very drained today. like my entire life is gone.. there is no meaning to doing anything anymore.

was sharing with pastor richard tt day.. per month: i onli haf 1 sat left, 2 fri nites left, no sundays left. tuition is mon n wed so technically i onli haf tue, thu nites left, since all mornings n afternoons r spent in school. sigh. then now i've to spend time talking on the fone with the gals to encourage them n catch up with them. -tears- dunno how long i can last. i haf to call 3 pple per week n 2 hours each. i haf tons of readings to catch up with n 4 projects tt r super difficult n i haf not even started.

i haf failed miserably in all aspects. my studies r getting worse, i haf lost contact with so many frens i dun bother to count anymore, my church service is none existent, my family needs me but i cant give them anymore time cos i alreadi haf none left myself.. except those i use for sleeping n i jus realised i dunno wats going on in my gals lives. sigh wat m i supposed to do? for jus one week i study in church while the gals r playing games.. n i screw up cos some of them end up feeling lonely. so many demands, so many expectations, so many responsibilities.

im realli tired. bogged down, emotionally depleted. pastor richard told me to go find some way to relax. how? i dun haf frens i can talk seriously to, cos all r sooo busy, i dun haf activities tt i enjoy n can do to emotionally recharge myself.. i need help. i noe tt im doing all these for God, to train my trust in Him. but this is horrible. im drowning n i need help.

talking to myself again=p

jus a little conversation i had with my bro-in-christ. n i tink i should write this down so i can constantly remind myself to keep my pride in check.. hope this encourages all u out there!

when i got my grp this yr.. i was very very very very disappointed cos i felt like i couldnt do anything in this grp. they alreadi noe God they alreadi come to church so all my goals were useless.. like u said abt to inspire to disciple to all tt.. i couldnt do any of those. i wanted another grp cos i felt they needed me more.. i felt tt was the most challenging grp

so i felt very very bitter n all but then i realised tt i was very very wrong. my job here i not jus to edify others. im here to edify myself most imptly. as christians there r always pple who wanna lead.. but its very hard to wanna learn n im tt kinda person. i wanted to lead.. to inspire, to hear pple thank me for being their inspiration. but i was extremely wrong n i thank GOd for correcting me. so now my goal in yf is not to lead. im here as a facilitator, im here to learn.

tts why my grp's goals r beyond me as well.. haha honestly when i set those goals i was challenging myself first of all. im afraid of getting rejected when evangelising.. so one goal for my grp was to go do street E in march. i was the lazy kinda n i onli wanted to do big tings for GOd.. but one goal i set for my grp was to do small tings. to do tings like pour water n distribute food, clear tables n rubbish after fellowship n thruout this yr i haf been edified.. tho onli2 mths but i haf been constantli challenged to stay near to God

so sometimes when we r so busy doing smth for God we forget tt this is for us too. then we get so tired n bogged down by the sense of responsibility tt we miss out on the self edification n learning process. then in the end we totalli miss the point of serving, which is partly to teach us to live out the Christlike life

reflections

was just thinking thru things just now and i decided that i should post here.

GOd has indeed had His hand in my life. when i graduated from sec sch, i had no idea wat to do with my life. same thing happened after jc. so i just moved with the flow. but when i dint do as well as i had hoped in jc, everything seemed so wrong in my life and my future seemed so dark. i wanted science.. in fact i still want sci. my father wanted me to go into sci and everyone was so disappointed that i got into arts. haha i noe that alot of yall will shoot me for saying this. but in my family, no one does arts and arts doesnt have a specific job scope.. so its scary. so i was very very upset for some time.

God chose my modules for me, i dint want to do 3 outta 5 of my modules but now i have to say this: i love my modules! i get to do both sci and arts subjects. i get to study youth and childhood: how puberty affects a child, how it brings about physical and emotionally changes that can screw ur brain, how education is looked upon as a chore, how u can kill someone with simple poisons that u can make in ur kitchen etc. wow! every lecture amazes me n its hard to fall asleep. yall r rite. all that i learn can be used in my service to God, other than the poison ting i guess.. *hehe*.

realizing this has made me change my perspective drastically. being in uni, being in arts is God's plan, so i shall make full use of all opportunities to do research, to ask questions, to learn more so that i can serve God better in the future. studying is no longer a chore. in fact, now i do my readings with joy!! *haha* im crazy i noe..

getting a job is really tiring. but it has forced me to refocus and realize that in fact, i do not have a lot of time at all. i MUST finish all my readings and start on my 4 essays by next week. big goal, i agree.. but i haf a BIGGER GOD!

to cry or not to cry...

how do u expect me to trust u when ur change in character is so drastic? first u say u wanna change n i wanted to believe in u n give u a 2nd chance. but within a few weeks u change so drastically!! n u blame others for ur change! wat on earth r u trying to do? not only r u causing hurt to us but also to ur own reputation. i realli pity ur frens.. because they do not see the real u. wat do u want me to do? believe in u again? how to? u have totally betrayed my trust n hope in u. to give u a 2nd chance? how to? how to give u chances when all i can remember is ur failure? i guess all i can do is jus shut up n pray. cos tts all i can do.

another ting.. i jus realise i haf gotten over alot of tings in my life without even trying=p thank god for healing powers. so comforted now.. able to see tings from a higher perspective.. why get so upset abt tings tt involve onli myself when there are people out there who need my prayers?

grace oughts to be shot

i have sinned, i am unclean. i need God.

once again i have slandered and i pray that God is willing to forgive me again. my aunt sms me out of the blue yesterday tt she has decided to increase my pay to $15 per hour, which is much much more than wat i asked - $13. if she was realli out to cheat me then she wouldnt have bothered to increase my pay. furthermore, when i tutored my cousin yesterday, we were given the privacy i needed. none of her siblings came to disturb and we even had drinks and food during tuition. sigh i feel so black now. but i still dunno why she dint wanna give me wat i asked for in the first place, which is less than wat she is gonna give. but i dun want the extra $2 per hour la.. i also feel bad=/

yes yall can shoot me with scoldings..

tired

dunno if i made the wrong choice to teach tuition or not. feel like im being exploited. i dunno how to teach tuition but when i ask to raise the tuition fees, the person requests to reduce no. of hours instead. isnt tt worse for me. half hr less per session onli.. n i suspect all the other siblings will come ask qns too. sigh. never work for ur relatives unless u noe them to be very generous. i had this aunt who was so super generous tt by helping out at her stall for free (cos she dint invite me i jus went to help) she gave me $200 for a few hours. sigh. now, feel exploited. i guess i shall try first loh. if realli cant cope then i shall quit. learn not to promise too easily, learn not to assume tt all relatives are nice.

today's combine worship was good i guess. i tot it was horrible cos i was so distracted the whole time by the words.. n the nerves.. but apparentli everyone else dint notice tt my nerves were killing me.. n i was the onli one to notice the mistakes i made.. ok.. thank God. haha onli reason i can find is tt God used me to help his people worship but i was too occupied by the technicalities tt i couldnt worship. but i did say i wont do it again.. n i reali dun wanna do it again. thank GOd for resolutions too.

sch is starting to be a drag. hafen realli enjoyed myself for some time. o well.. tts life.

over confidence killed grace

remind me never to take up anything this challenging again. no more assumptions and no more expectations. thank God for pple who r conscientious and know me well enuff n can work with me.

started planning for this since last mth but everything went on so smoothly until this week. suddenli i cant do this cant do that n pieces of info jus come in within min of each other. now i haf to reconsider everything tt i've planned. never settle for hte perfect. it never works. pple can promise u things but u haf to chase after them to get things done. suddenli i dun trust anyone else but myself n the tot is depressing. DEPRESSING!