Yay! Its raining!! O wait.. I am not in bed.. wait. Im not even at home!

And I dont have an umbrella. Sh_t

Today is a great day. First I woke up earlier than I expected. Then I fell down in the middle of the road when there were no cars. Phew. Altho there were so many people around who saw me ><

I need a hug too.. and I need a: you will make it through.

Why cant I seem to find a lunch buddy this week?

do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

my scripture memory for the week just slapped me in the face today. well done.

shant ask how i am going to survive with so many responsibilities anymore because i know that if You brought me into this, You will bring me out of this. i want to see You work in everything so that at the end i can lift my hands and worship You.

no one is perfect. to learn cycling, one must learn to fall. falling too often may make you wonder if you have done anything right at all. but when times like that come, i am grateful because they make me refocus and remember who i am serving. i have faced so many set backs in life, some i remember, some i cant. but in all of them i learn something. so i shall learn from this one.

Getting caught up in this whirlwind of busyness is not my idea of fun. Jumped into the pool thinking this is a good chance to learn swimming. But I guess the old saying is right. Do not jump into the deep end of the pool until you know how to swim.

It seems that my workload gets heavier every day. I do not know what to make out of this anymore. Is this a mistake? Having 8 hours straight of lectures and tutorials on Friday means I will have to miss lunch. Wonderful. Here comes unintentional dieting.

Teachers Day is coming so heres wishing a great Teachers Day to all you teachers out there. Make sure you earn the presents you get.

why do i dislike you? good question. how do i choose who i am attracted to and who i am not? perhaps when you have too many of my faults (past and present) i find you irritating. i changed because i know i should not be like this anymore. why can't you go and change too? stop thinking you are better than anyone else. because you are not. neither am i better than you. we are all equal before Him.

when i look back i must really thank You. without You i would not be the person i am today. i was a totally different person last time. now, You changed me so i can stop hating myself. please do not stop here. i still want to improve.

must go back to the study mode soon. i still like to sleep in and chat online. SIGH.

i hate the air. my nose cant stop running. my eyes tear non-stop. my throat hurts. my head is throbbing. wonderful. just wonderful.

remind me never to have 8am lectures. i could hardly wake up this morning. in fact, i dint even want to wake up. throughout lecture i was half awake, nothing much got into my head. i felt so so so sick the whole day. i think my flu got worse cos i was awake the whole day.

met my 2nd tuition kid today. her house is soo scary. so small, so old. i think im weird. if i go into any house smaller than mine, i feel sick and claustrophobic. that's how i felt there. the lift was so old i was so afraid that it will drop. the area around her house had so many foreign workers and gangs. from the moment i got into her house, all i could think of was: what time am i leaving? horrible of me i know, but when you're sick, dabbing your nose every few seconds, you also do not welcome the idea of being away from home. i felt so sorry for her because i really did not have the mood to be patient with her. and her math is much worse than joy's. bad.

i don't think i am a risk taker. i hate changes but i like excitment. i guess that means that i like to do new things but i would prefer people i know to do it with me. is this a bad thing? i dont know. i once thought i need to be more of a risk taker. but that is a personality thing right? i cant really change who i am too. im still a home person. like to stay home and rest. like now.

i wanna pon school tmr.

the light goes off and her dark side emerges. i do not want this to happen. everything she thought she was not. she becomes. is this going to be a constant struggle? will this ever stop?

help me if You want. i do not want hope.

just when things go well, something bad happens. Thomas is a no no. not by sight, but by faith. i want abraham.

take the sunglasses off my eyes please. right now everything is dark and cold. i need to see the light. i did this on purpose. but now i lost that purpose. did i make a mistake? will i survive?

this is the time in the year again when we have to face the deadly CORS. somehow, it was alot easier this year when going through all that bidding and stuff, because i remember the most wonderful thing that happened to me last sem.

You have alot of say in my life. somehow, only things that You want will happen. it is almost as if i have lost all control of everything. You seem to enjoy closing doors in my face and then opening another at the weirdest times. but hey. thanks. without You looking out for me from up there, i wouldnt have enjoyed so much blessings.

this year i have to conclude that i love CORS, not because of the program itself, but because it is one way where God reveals Himself to me so clearly i have to be blind to say He does not exist.

o i feel like dancing, its foolishness i know. but when the world has seen the light, they will dance with joy like we're dancing now.

north Thailand, here i come.

so i was doing up my timetable for my new semester. this is going to be a very busy semester. 2 tuition kids, driving, 4 soci modules (extremely heavy) out of 5 modules, worship leading, LDC class (or otherwise known as sunday school teacher), small group. and i wanted to learn guitar by the end of this year. darn

i have the slight suspicion that perhaps i have the warped desire in my subconsciousness to work myself to death. just so that i can numb all emotions and force myself to focus on what is more important.

funny how we never really appreciate our environment until we see someone who is different. i have almost forgotten how it feels like to be afraid of someone. look at them. they do not look like us. some of them take off their pants when they see us, some try to pinch me, some try to hug me violently. its scary to say the least. but God still loves them enough to send my parents to this home every thursday for the mentally disabled to share the gospel for 10 min, since most of them cant even last 5 min. God wants his gospel spread everywhere.

these 3 weeks have been fruitful actually. been to Malaysia three times, every thursday to help out in the church there. learnt alot, not just about people, but also about myself. learnt the importance of servanthood in Christianity. imagine. in a church of 8 years, 20 regulars. only a handful of people truly serve the lord. most, sit there at home, expect the pastor to come fetch them to church, then after sermon, sit at the chair and expect the food to come to their mouths.

today is my last day there. took my camera to capture special moments. i guess God wanted my last day to be special. so here are some special moments. went into the church, got welcomed by the smell of bat faeces. walked into several dozen spider webs. helped to clean up bat and owl faeces. found some bones on the floor, which we believed to be the leftovers from the owl's meal. cleaned that up too. went to shower. sat down for a cup of cereal. then the entire street blacked out. couldnt see anything, not even my fingers. wonderful. had fun lighting up candles throughout the sanctuary and from the door.

here in singapore, most of us are complaining about the education system. but i am truly glad that i was born in singapore. been trying to teach these 2 kids english. i am appalled at how the country can let her children go uneducated. these kids cant even understand english! i wrote 'e' for the little boy. for 2 weeks now, he still cant write it the right way, he flips it, writes it upside down, leftside right and all, but never gets it right. and his name is dinesh, with an 'e'. his cousin, though, is smart. taught her to write her name last week and this week she can write it on her own. brilliant, if i do say so myself;p

school is going to start soon. i wonder if i am looking forward to it in the first place. this break has been far too long, but constructive. never did so much housework in my life i think.

on the other hand, this sem is going to be very very very busy. i do not think i have time for any CCA again, since i have 2 tuition kids and driving. do not ask me why cos i am not too sure why i decided to kill myself either. i am praying really hard that i get the modules i want. or else everything might just get worse.

cheers to waffles and incomplete meals. this is going to be another fruitful sem.

daeh ym fo tuo uoy teg reve i lliw?

im going to miss mission trip AGAIN. somehow every year i want to go, someone tells me that i will get the chance to go the next year. but for 3 years now, my next year has just gone down the drain. here i am trying to push my exams so that they end as early as possible, and here they tell me that they leave on the day i end my last paper. in easier terms, i do not get to go again. BEST.

all my loved ones, friends and family, were standing around me. smiling. warm. loving. then i felt the laughter fade away and i see walls rising. some were so thick and impermeable. some, still in the process of construction. i feel a hammer in my hands. but im tired of hacking at those walls when they build faster than i can tear them down. i sit down, determined to just give up. then i feel the walls closing in.

sometimes i get dreams and i do not want to know what they mean.

why me? why choose me of all shitty people to live in eternity with you? why choose to open my eyes and show me Your Glory? why me? i'm so sinful, so undeserving, so rebellious. yet You chose to send Your Son down. who am i compared to Your Son, who is so obedient and loving? yet You sent Him down to die a horrible death, to pay my ransom, and save me from eternal hell. now i can live with hope and joy. i do not deserve any of these. i did nothing to earn anything. in fact, what i did and who i was deserved to go to hell and burn in eternity. yet You, with all Your love and mercy, and Grace, how sweet the sound, decided to save me. i rejected You, but You never let me go, again and again You reached out and opened my eyes till i can only fall to Your feet and say i love You. i am overwhelmed. i cannot fully understand You and Your ways, but i am thankful for You none the less. all i can do now is to love You with all i am.

funny how we only ask "why me" when we meet bad things, but we never ask "why me" when we get good things in life. is this fair to God?

Heaven is only as far as you want it to be. reach out and receive the gift of eternity. in this gift, you have Heaven, Joy, Peace, Love and all that you have searched all your life for. this gift is Christ.

i hate being who i am. i haf too many faults. too many weaknesses. someone said that kind people feel sad very easily because they not only feel sad for themselves but they also feel sad for others. i would love to believe im kind. whenever i hate someone i end up hating myself even more because i come to the realization that i am like them too.

its time to learn something new. to see myself from God's perspective=D. hopefully i can love myself then. i must learn to accept my own weaknesses before i accept others'.

thank you God for loving me no matter how shitty i am.