why does everything have to get so complicated. lets just make it simple. when we first started, we were happy. after time passes, things changed and we're so uncomfortable around each other now. why not just go back to what it was before?

i want the gift of being devoid of emotions. although i would like to keep the happiness part of it.

how do you love those who have hurt you? especially when they do not even know they have hurt you? i would rather shrink into my shell and avoid the person. avoid getting hurt again. do i really have to come out and stick my hand in the heat again?

how can anyone be so selfish? how can anyone be so inconsiderate? how can anyone hurt others again and again, while asking whether it has hurt anyone? how can you expect others to understand you when you do not bother to understand anyone? it is not fair. not right.

do you love me? if you do, do something for me. love yourself.

really tired. lonely. scared.

exams are coming and i do not know what to expect anymore. i have a very bad feeling about this. somehow, after improving by 0.1 last sem, my expectations have gone higher. but i have not studied enough for it. which just makes things worse. i need to pick topics but i do not know how to. trust is very very scary.

somehow, bad things always come at the same time. and when you are asked to choose one to solve, you do not know if you can trust anyone else to solve the rest. so yes, i took the leap of faith, and no one else solved the rest. what does this teach me? get enough rest the day before.

we can all hold only one 2 hand item at one time. 2 hands, 2 feet, 1 heart to pump blood to all of them. 1 brain. how to multitask? not too sure about that. i guess thats what makes us human. limited creatures we all. unable to be at a few places at the same time.

relationships are strange things. you need them. but at the same time, they drain alot of energy from you. all relationships require investment. but how much do you have to invest? we are, after all, limited beings.

i need God. i need Him to solve my problems. i need Him to comfort me and tell me everything will turn out fine.

wait. He has already done that. its just that i have not given him my problems yet. argh.

10 more days.

being 20 does not mean i have to feel like i am 20 rite? actually, what does being 20 feel like? somehow birthdays do not feel so happy afterall. especially when it means that exams are 11 days later.

i am not a thinker, at least i do not think i am one. i love simplicity. but i am not allowed to be simple. why not?? i miss being a kid and thinking that the world is very simple. black and white. right and wrong. but that is far from the truth. or maybe the haze has blurred our vision to the truth as well. can we ever stop thinking?

heard something... really... out of this world.. during lecture today. my lecturer never fails to have... interesting... stories to tell us. but i am so glad i did not get to blog about this immediately after i heard it, or i would have exploded and ranted online.

"oh hi! long time no see! so how've you been? you were engaged during your school days to this girl right? are you guys married now?"
"oh we broke up..."
-pause-
"so.. what happened?"
"we had sex before marriage. she is not a virgin anymore. so i cant marry her"
-shock-
"but... she had sex with you!!!!!"
-pause- "but the point is that she is NOT a virgin anymore!"

if you are at this sentence already, i hope you are in as much shock as i am. there is nothing much i can say anymore. he deserves to go to hell. but then again, i am not God. darn. she is just totally dumb. really really really dumb.

if virginity is so important to you, then why did you take it away from her!!! and why did you not give her your own virginity?!?!?!?! is virginity a commodity now? something we use to exchange for marriage??

girls out there.. DO NOT be fooled. have sex with him and (1) he dumps you and no one else will want you (perhaps only as a lover but not as a wife. (2) he marries you and you regret for life.

16 more days to doom. 22 more days to freedom. A few seconds till class starts.

Tired. Slack. Sad. Anxious. Confused.

What am I standing on? Always thought I was standing on rock, because everyone else said so. Maybe its time to find out what rock I am standing on: Igneous? Sand? Metamorphic? I need to be sure of what I am standing on. This is no time to go through the motions without knowing why.

There are some things you need to let go off, but you know you cant.

Forgiveness is something that is difficult. Whoever said that forgiveness is for the weak?? If you can forgive easily, you can be God. Only cowards do not dare to forgive; only the foolish hold on to hatred.

Hope is something that needs to go, because you know that the longer you hold on to it, the more you think that you can have it. Let go before you loss out on everything else.

After thinking through (to all those who know what I am talking about), I guess I have to rephrase myself. I DO NOT mind if my husband cannot do housework. All I am asking for is equality. Does not mean that I am a woman so I must serve you Man. In my family, being a man brings you no privileges. Everyone is equal, just like in God’s family. My brother and my father have to do housework just like everyone else. The only excuse they have is that they do not do housework as well as womenJ. BUT I will mind if he does housework so well that he criticizes me for everything I do. I like to do housework. I just hate being expected to do it.

Strong words for an arts student. Oh well

something was wrong with me. but its time to change that. time to concentrate on what is more important and time to leave the pain behind.

so many things to change about myself. will i ever live to see the day that these changes happen? or will i enter my adulthood with so many character flaws? i hope not.

how did i come to love you? how did i come to want to know you more? i guess you took the first step, in drawing me to you, before i realized that this relationship can work. i want to make this two way. to love you and to trust you. to become who you wanted me to be. to make you proud. i am doing everything for you. do not let me forget that. do not let me forget you. i want to live everyday with you on my mind and to constantly come back to you.

what exactly does love mean? how is it different from like? or attraction? or crush? why is it so difficult to differentiate them? why is everyone so into this whole facade? does having a boy friend really take away your loneliness? does having a boyfriend really make you seem more attractive?? sigh. i do not know the answers. i doubt i want to find out either.

let the guy take the first step - was telling my cousin that. but he says that nowadays girls are more likely to take the first step so its too idealistic. is that why guys are so good at hinting now? so good that i hardly think its a hint anymore. go and kill yourself la. either make it clear to the girl or just shove that love of yours down your throat.

the world is so unfair. so so unfair.

be with me, my beloved, so that my smile may never fade.

how many people in this world look for love? look around. every face you see is looking for love.

neglect. loss. fear.

a hug can speak any language louder than words. a hug can stop tears. a compliment can salve one's confidence and boost one's determination.

both of which are free.

i now know what is wrong with me. "have a happy period!". what a dumb sanitary pad advertisement. as if the pad can cause hormone levels to return to normal. bah.

courage. a term that has long since left my vocabulary. a term that has been brought back to life through the stoning of Paul. its amazing how Paul, after being stoned, got up and walked back into the city. do i have the courage to do that? if i do then i want to do it for You.

its time to be thick skinned. time to be a friend. time to stop sinking.